Dressed as my supervisor’s feedback on my PhD thesis for Halloween because nothing is scarier than reality
😱😱😱
#phdlife #phdchat #phdmemes
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me too 😆
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?