If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Can’t stop laughing
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs