A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Does your wife know you’re single?
(yawn)
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Hank is one in a melon.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?