No one:
Absolutely no one:
6: The fun thing about Halloween is you can pretend blood is juice!
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops