As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
We need to put an American base on the sun
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?