*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
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Him: I鈥檓 a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I鈥檓 a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That鈥檚 really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don鈥檛 want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you鈥檇 be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
A leaf blower, but for people.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake