Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
You Might Also Like
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Overindulged this afternoon.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can鈥檛 find it
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Miscakes
Got ya covered
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can鈥檛 see him
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
WIFE: can鈥檛 wait until we鈥檙e old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won鈥檛 remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I鈥檝e never related to anyone more than that baby
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you鈥檙e ugly and you sweat a lot
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played