Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
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