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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed