[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
ππ©π’π΅ judge.
Client: Whatβs wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I donβt really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* Iβm sorry, did you say free?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I just caught myself saying βoh this is a nice spatulaβ while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I couldnβt afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: Iβm going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: βI didnβt know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didnβt even know they had medicine.β
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: Iβm going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: itβs my turn
π€βπ½
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: π
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…