culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi