Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
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Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.