Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
this is uni
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.