During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My first child will be named New Folder.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
