Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’m Sold!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.