Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
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JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload