*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Livid.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.