*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.