gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
You Might Also Like
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
For Halloween I鈥檓 going as an emotional roller coaster.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
You never know what you鈥檒l get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I don鈥檛 like the person you become when I鈥檓 on my period.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.