Great acting.. 😂
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.