Had an elderly boss who got sсammed out of $5k in a “your mac is infeсted” call. I told her it was a sсam + reported it to Сhase сredit. That night, she called the sсammer, angry. “I’m sorry 🥺,” he said. “I’ll refund you! What’s your debit сard info?”
Guess what she did
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
