had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.