Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
the duality of man
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Catering service
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.