HELP 😭
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
“We will wed,” I threatened
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
that colleague who touches your screen
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!