Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend鈥檚 nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn鈥檛 matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
GENIE: You can鈥檛 wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it鈥檚 not working.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
This kid is a star!
anyone who doesn鈥檛 have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it鈥檚 not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I鈥檓 having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e ever done