Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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Lucky old June.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse