How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“Why you watching this shit?”