My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go