how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
βΆ πββββββββ 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
βΆ πββββββββ 74:36:15![]()
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My mom didnβt respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an βI brake for butterfliesβ bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Iβm scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex βDonβt shoot until you see the soap in their eyesβ¦β or something like that.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Them: Youβre a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think Iβm hot?
Iβm sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpapβ¦
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the kiβ¦
UPDATE THEM TOOβ¦
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
6 yo student: Itβs hot. Why didnβt you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers canβt wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because youβd show all your mosquito bites?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Whereβs Waldo.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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