I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
#ParentingFacts
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.