If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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shut up and take my money
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Wake me when AI does housework
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.