Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.