I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting