I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.