I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40