I just died πππππ
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Me: βGoodnight.β
Brain: βWhere shall we begin?β
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and Iβm so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see βhow to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.β
I think Iβm good.
Iβm at the age I donβt remember itβs my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me Iβm at the age I donβt remember anything.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day π
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Youβre never too old to set goals. For example, today Iβm not going to pee in my pants.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say βletβs get out and walk a little,β your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
*searches through desk for granola bar, canβt find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THATβS WHO.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know itβs supposed to be safe, but I just donβt understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speakerβs still on, Captain.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
my toxic trait is saying to myself βitβs only $20β 1500 times a week
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
It really doesnβt feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing βOh Holy Nightβ to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Itβs too bad my sister wasnβt kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I donβt think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard