I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Best seat on the street 😍
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
what the hell pray for carter everyone
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey