I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
won’t smith
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, break up with it again for being so needy.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”