Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

yea so i messed up lol

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?