I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’