I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
That 👊
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.