I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands