The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?