Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?