If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Word!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?