If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
This squirrel eats better than I do
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.