If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…