If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“I FIXED IT!”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.