I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
It鈥檚 too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I鈥檓 sweating profusely and questioning everything
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don鈥檛 know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Old stoners don鈥檛 die. They blow this joint.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Tough love is true love
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter鈥檚 fianc茅 is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I鈥檓 supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway