I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Meanwhile in Canada…
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
dogs can find happiness so easily
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Storm Tropical Storm
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.