Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.